Thursday, August 28, 2014

Still Getting Through It...

It's soon going to be my birthday and I'm having a party. Nothing fancy obviously but a few friends and some good food. Most exciting I'm having margaritas! :D
I'm still ok. Most days are hard but I try not to worry about it or think about it too much.
It will be what it will be. I struggle to remember that and take each day as a gift and a treasure (which is sometimes difficult for me). I don't know if I'll make it back to clinic or maybe past it again and just waiting for the next one or if things will go bad and I'll have to go to the hospital and start dialysis but whatever happens will be ok.
Today I am sure that it will. I like my Drs. and nurses and I'm sure they will all take good care of me so somehow I'll handle it.
I will be ok.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014


Well I am home from clinic and trying to digest the latest news.
I know that my kidneys are failing and it will be soon time to start dialysis but I really thought I would have more time. :(
I have dropped to 12% function and over the next 6 weeks will somehow have to get my head ready to handle the reality that I live in.
It's not easy.
I want to wait until hubby is off work to go through this but I don't know if I'm going to make it until then.
We will see.
Whatever will happen will happen. I am sure I can handle this and I'm gonna figure it out. It might be hard sometimes though and I'm sure the monthly appts to dialysis will get stressful but somehow I'm gonna find my way.
In the meantime I am trying to get my head ready!!

Friday, August 1, 2014


I'm tired.
I go to clinic on Tues. and we'll see if I have dropped more function but I think maybe I have because even with my shots I'm tired and really have no energy to do much.
Hopefully this weekend we'll go to mom and dad's to see Michelle and have a visit and that will be fun but it will also be tiring.
I just wonder how long it will be until I have to start dialysis and how much time of being tired and without energy I will have to endure? I have so many jobs to do and no energy or desire to do any of them. :(
I really just wish that I can hold on until after hubby is off for the winter because we will have a week of training for dialysis to go through and I need him to be with me and learn how to take care of me :S
It could be that long or longer even and sometimes it gets difficult to deal with.
I am very isolated. Usually this doesn't bother me. I remember back when I used to work and I was forever getting sick with other people's germs. Isolation keeps me healthy. Sometimes though it's frustrating. Sometimes when I have the energy Gib and I go for a walk but even that I avoid...even though I KNOW that I should do it anyway...I look fine. I look good even. The more weight I lose I even look better but it's because I hardly eat and really don't enjoy it much either...How much of it can I endure? I MISS food and I miss things being delicious...I don't really even remember the last time I actually TASTED something good...everything is really pretty blagghhh and that is pretty hard to endure too. I always liked food. I always liked making new goodies for our parties and now I pretty much have no idea. Pretty much don't care much either cause I can't really enjoy it anyway :( but...I will keep on keeping on...
I need NEED need to drink more. My nurse says at least 6 cups a day and I know some days still I just can't do it :( it's very very hard. You would think the pain of gout foot would keep me drinking but instead I forget and then the foot starts again and I have to drink more than 6 cups to straighten me out. I wish I was better at all of this, I wish it was easier than it is. :( But again, I will keep on keeping on...because I have to figure it out. Somehow...
I think I'm supposed to learn something from all of this and I don't really know what that is. Right now all I know is that I'm tired. I have been many kinds of tired in my life and many of them have been much more difficult than this although this is a very slow, draining, long-term process and is so slowly gradual that I don't even really realize how bad I feel. I am just tired. Tomorrow I'm sure I'll feel better...


Thurs. July 3, 2014
Thurs. July 17, 2014
Thurs. July 31, 2014