Friday, August 1, 2014

Waiting

I'm tired.
I go to clinic on Tues. and we'll see if I have dropped more function but I think maybe I have because even with my shots I'm tired and really have no energy to do much.
Hopefully this weekend we'll go to mom and dad's to see Michelle and have a visit and that will be fun but it will also be tiring.
I just wonder how long it will be until I have to start dialysis and how much time of being tired and without energy I will have to endure? I have so many jobs to do and no energy or desire to do any of them. :(
I really just wish that I can hold on until after hubby is off for the winter because we will have a week of training for dialysis to go through and I need him to be with me and learn how to take care of me :S
It could be that long or longer even and sometimes it gets difficult to deal with.
I am very isolated. Usually this doesn't bother me. I remember back when I used to work and I was forever getting sick with other people's germs. Isolation keeps me healthy. Sometimes though it's frustrating. Sometimes when I have the energy Gib and I go for a walk but even that I avoid...even though I KNOW that I should do it anyway...I look fine. I look good even. The more weight I lose I even look better but it's because I hardly eat and really don't enjoy it much either...How much of it can I endure? I MISS food and I miss things being delicious...I don't really even remember the last time I actually TASTED something good...everything is really pretty blagghhh and that is pretty hard to endure too. I always liked food. I always liked making new goodies for our parties and now I pretty much have no idea. Pretty much don't care much either cause I can't really enjoy it anyway :( but...I will keep on keeping on...
I need NEED need to drink more. My nurse says at least 6 cups a day and I know some days still I just can't do it :( it's very very hard. You would think the pain of gout foot would keep me drinking but instead I forget and then the foot starts again and I have to drink more than 6 cups to straighten me out. I wish I was better at all of this, I wish it was easier than it is. :( But again, I will keep on keeping on...because I have to figure it out. Somehow...
I think I'm supposed to learn something from all of this and I don't really know what that is. Right now all I know is that I'm tired. I have been many kinds of tired in my life and many of them have been much more difficult than this although this is a very slow, draining, long-term process and is so slowly gradual that I don't even really realize how bad I feel. I am just tired. Tomorrow I'm sure I'll feel better...

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